Why You’ll Never See Me in TV Ads

Apparently, marketing strategies aren’t built with the capacity to identify and classify the singularities of the individuals to whom they market.

My shaving supply vendor is entirely unaware that my pate is smooth as an eight ball. I could, of course, opt out of the marketing emails, but gosh, why would I do that? This is entertaining.

First, the shampoo ads. Then, the conditioner ads. After that, the hair gel ads. All specially formulated to work together for fabulous hair because, well, they’re all sold by the same company.

Myself, I’ve never known a man who used conditioner, although I have met a few teenagers who would apply copious amounts of gel – usually about a week’s worth – to give their young manes (and young names) that special sex appeal.

(They also used obnoxious body sprays, the odor of which was worse than the smell of a boy’s locker room.)

I get these ads regularly and have a good chuckle when they show up. Three bald guys walk into a salon and the stylist says, “Um.”

But then came the face products. You see, you’re supposed to use the specially formulated exfoliating facial scrub, followed by the special face toner (a revelation), and finish with the special face lotion.

All this time I’ve been using nothing but soap! SOAP! Little wonder my three-score face resembles the tree bark of a 50-year-old cottonwood.

I jest. But, seriously folks, it’s enough to get me questioning my own hygiene. Should I be taking better care? Shouldn’t I respect myself more? I should strive to be a better steward of the only body I will ever have.

A gaggle of attractive ladies stops a guy on the street to gush, “Ooh, excuse us, sir, but may we have a snapshot of your countenance?! It just radiates!”

And that’s a better joke than the last one.

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