No-Peril Apparel

“A woman should someday write the complete philosophy of clothes.” – Theodore Dreiser, Sister Carrie

Wear leggings 75 percent of the time and jeans 25 percent of the time.

Protocol for Jeans:

  • any number of rips, tears, or holes will do, provided it doesn’t violate your employer’s dress code and your under the age of 45. After that it just gets weird.
  • reserve at least one pair as your favorite, which you can wear more than one day in a row.
  • tight jeans are an exception to the 15-second rule for dressing (see below).

Ask yourself: is it comfy? is it cute? is it convenient? does it take more than 15 seconds to put on? do you have at least seven of them?

Photo by Lisa Fotios on

Avoid skirts or dresses at all costs, unless called for by wedding events or rare romantic outings.

Avoid high heels, with the same exceptions.

Black is your favorite color. White is generally evil.

You can never have too many shoes. Or slippers. Or comfy boots. Or belts.

Never dress to show off. Always dress to be YOU.

The general purpose of clothes is: 1) to have fun, and 2) to cover the body.

Reserve ugly/frumpy clothes for those days when: 1) you’re in a mood and don’t care what you put on; 2) you have to make a quick trip to the store for something (wear a hat and/or hoodie for disguise).

You cannot have too many clips, ties, pins, loops, studs, dangles, bangles, rings or blings.

Consider your own YouTube channel for try-on hauls. It’s all the rage.

Disclaimer: I am not a woman.